The Last 48 Hours ...

On August 26th, we received the long awaited call from our social worker: we had been chosen by a birth mother! Just a few short days before, we had driven a couple hours to meet her, a beautiful fifteen year-old, pregnant with a biracial baby girl. We had committed not to get too invested just because of our meeting, so we were both in shock and couldn't believe this was finally happening for us! Our social worker reminded us to remain "cautiously optimistic," but we had so much to prepare in just the six short weeks before her due date.

This Wednesday, we got another wildly exciting call ... our birth mother had gone into labor! We frantically found childcare for Phoenix, packed our bags and finished last-minute work. The plan was to head to her home town in the morning, and to meet her and the baby at the hospital at 9:30. Then the time got pushed back to 1:00 -- which honestly, was great. It gave Josh and I a chance to get settled at our hotel, go buy flowers for the birth mother and get some quality time together. We met out social worker at the hospital, and then found out she still didn't want to see us. So the plan moved to 4:00. We were still optimistic at this point, and just hung out with our awesome social worker in our hotel lobby. Then we got the call that our birth mother was reconsidering her adoption plan. No one from our agency had actually gotten to talk to her in person though, so we decided to stay in town just in case she wanted to go through with her adoption plan. Plus, we had already paid for our hotel room and we were committed to enjoying the chance to get away.
 

I can't even tell you how kind God was to us in those hours of waiting. Mostly significantly, he was near to us in the prayers of our friends and family. As soon as I texted that things might not be looking so good, there were so many people who hit their knees for us. Josh and I were still composed (no point in mourning something that hadn't  happened yet), but I ended up in tears of gratitude for the amazingly faithful people that God has put in our lives. I know that every ounce of peace that was given to us in those hours was the result of people bringing our hearts before the throne of God. 

 

We wandered around the local mall, ate some wings for dinner, and then headed back to the hotel and watched TV for awhile. I ended up taking a bath and talking to God -- we dangerously prayed that His will would be done, and that her hospital room would be a place free from fear and thick with His presence. We prayed that God would draw a boundary line around her that the enemy could not cross and we asked for her to be given great clarity. And, most deeply, we prayed God's best for the baby.

 

Just as we were going to sleep, we got a call from one of the pregnancy counselors who had met with our birth mother. Though her head and her heart were in two different places, she had decided that she was going to go with her original plan and sign surrenders in the morning. Obviously, this was still not a solid decidsion - but it gave us great hope to carry us through the night.

 

The pregnancy counselor touched base with us in the morning before she went to meet with our birth mother, and told us to be on-call around 11:30 to come to the hospital to do paperwork and pick up our sweet girlie. And it wasn't long after 11:30 that she called ... to tell us that our she had decided to parent. They offered to come talk with us, but all I wanted was to go home.

 

So we got in our car -- with an empty carseat, with a bag packed with tiny diapers and sweet new clothes, with a present we bought for the baby to give to Phoenix -- and headed home weeping. 

We originally decided not to tell the world that we had been chosen for this very reason - in case things fell through, I didn't want to grieve with everyone watching. But one of the intentions that I set at the beginning was "to be vocal about the process, so that people get a window into the miracle of adoption. It was truly a gift for me to share my heart during our NICU experience, and I plan to be equally honest and forthcoming about this next journey in our family." And, as I was reminded by someone on Wednesday, my blog about Phoenix's time in the NICU was raw and honest (almost to a fault). To say that we told our adoption story without sharing this great loss would be a gross misrepresentation. 

So welcome to our pain. I will write more in the next day or two about how we are feeling, what we are thinking, and how we are processing it. But, for now, spare us platitudes about God's plan: we know that He is still orchestrating the process. But that doesn't ease the ache. What we want most is your prayers ... pray that He leads us well through our sorrow and that we honor Him as we grieve.