I know, I know ... this has been a long time coming.
Honestly, I hadn't written this post because these thoughts have been slow to brew in my heart, and because I knew it would hurt to write them down.
But I've ignored it long enough.
My senior year in college, I took a class called "Contemporary Christian Ethics Theory - Agape, Gift and Obligation." Much of the semester was devoted to exploring "the gift," and whether it can exist outside of economic exchange. For much of the semester, we mused with Derrida (whose name must be said in a French accent while shaking one's fist) about whether one can actually give a gift without expecting anything in return (even a "thanks") or receiving anything in return (even the warm-fuzzy feelings of having contributed to someone). He believed it was impossible to remove gifts from the horizon of economy, thus negating the term "gift" altogether.
We didn't get to give Hannah that necklace, but we did give her a gift. We gave her the gift of choice.
I can't imagine her hardship in the hours following the baby's birth. She was weighing options that not only impacted her directly, but that would forever impact that tiny new soul. We waited for 36 painstaking hours after the baby's birth because she had so much to consider.
But what if we had not been there? She wouldn't have had any terrifying decisions, right? Just the impending reality of motherhood. She would have held that little burrito-wrapped baby with no options but to embark on single-parenthood.
Because we were there, she got to choose motherhood. She got to say "I want to do this," instead of "I have to do this."
And that is a remarkable gift that we gave to both her and the baby. Alexandria has a mom who, with other viable options, decided to parent.
And this gift that we gave? I know for a fact that it blows Derrida and his aporias out of the water.
We received nothing in return and never will.
It came at a devastating cost. I am still unearthing new pains and still find myself punched in the gut with sorrow.
The knowledge of this given-gift doesn't serve me in any way ... if only it brought comfort.
And, though it was compulsory, I would give it again in a heartbeart.
At the end of the class, we concluded something that is so simply true: God has given us the perfect gift of Jesus. And this love-motivated, love-fulfilled gift came at great cost with no strings attached.
We gift-loved H because God first gift-loved us.
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