Baby Boy Update

Sorry for the very long radio silence. I recognize that I ended my last post with a promise to blog again soon - that was two months ago.
Hopefully you will give me some grace and let me play the newborn card. I have been sleep-deprived and spread thin, and the idea of blogging just felt like too much effort. When I've had a free moment in the last two months, I've headed straight to my bed to nap, watch Netflix, or just lay there enjoying the blessed silence.

But now that Jericho has been predictably sleeping 10-12 hours at night for a couple weeks, I feel like I actually have bandwidth to communicate with the world.

Going from one child to two has been both easier and harder than I anticipated.
Easier:
- because nothing compares to the way a first child turns your whole world upside down (especially when your first makes such a dramatic entrance)
- because I already have two years of motherhood under my belt, which has given me a lot of perspective for this season
Harder:
- because we had a winter baby, which means we were stuck at home for longer to avoid flu germs (which gave both Phoenix and me some serious cabin fever)
- because it changed my relationship with Phoenix, which was more emotional than I expected (I had to just decidedly grieve the loss of how we related as a family of 3 in order to really embrace being a family of 4)

A lot of people have asked me about how the bonding has been. Honestly, I don't really have a normal bond-with-your-baby experience to compare it to, since we didn't even get to hold Phoenix for the first 18 days of her life. Because Jericho was ours within minutes of his birth, bonding has really felt intuitive and natural. When I get frustrated with him, there's a little voice in my head that wonders "Is this because we aren't bonded?" But then I remember that he's an infant, and they are just frustrating sometimes.

We are lucky to have another easy baby. I think because my babies are so hard-won, God has been kind to make them easy-going. He is really laid back and doesn't need constant attention, but he LOVES to interact with us. He smiled really early, and hasn't stopped since. He has this big, open-mouthed, crooked smile that makes me weak in the knees. He is quite the flirt, so I'm already working on my mommma-bear-stare to keep swooning ladies away in the future.
He was sleeping long stretches at night from the beginning (4-5 hours in between feedings that first week), and takes reasonably good naps during the day, especially when we keep them predictable.
His one vice? Feeding. Even while we were still at the hospital, feeding was an issue because he would puke SO OFTEN. Like, changing-his-shirt-every-five-minutes kind of often. Fortunately, he's slowed down on the puking but hasn't sped up the eating. Every feeding is an hour-long event, because his reflux requires significant breaks. This makes on-the-go-feeding fairly difficult, so we spend most of our time at home these days. I love all that one-on-one time, but I must confess I CANNOT WAIT for him to grow out of his eating issues.

It looks like our finalization hearing will be in the next two weeks, so he will be officially ours in the near future! Pray for favor with the judge ... we are financially capable of caring for a second child, but I'm sure our financial situation will surely pale in comparison to many adoptive parents. And pray that our legal grant comes through by that time, so that we can afford to pay our lawyer!

And, while you are praying, please continue to pray for Jordan and DJ (the birth parents). We have been faithfully sending our monthly picture/letter updates, and each time gently remind them that we would love to have relationships with them someday. Jordan actually did send us an email, but hasn't engaged any further than that. Pray as their hearts heal, that they would simultaneously soften to more openness.

And here are some pictures of our handsome man (follow me on Instagram if you want to see daily pictures of my sweet children ... because they are the cutest things happening in my world):

Jericho's Birthday

It's all the rage these days to write birth stories … and I am still glad that I recorded all the details of Phoenix's entrance into the world.
Fortunately for the squeamish among you, this birth story includes absolutely zero birth details. Because  we don't know them.

Jordan's due date was 1/1, but that date passed uneventfully. It was really funny to get a taste of what it's like to wait for your child to make their entrance; most mothers experience the impatience of the last few weeks, but that never happened for us with Phoenix. I was pretty much glued to my phone, which was probably obnoxious to everyone around me. I would even set it right next to my yoga mat during class that week, totally unconcerned about whether I would end up ruining someone else's shavansana.
My birthday is 1/2, so I was anxious to see if I would end up sharing a birthday with our baby. Honestly, people usually forget my birthday because of it's proximity to the holidays, and it usually goes largely uncelebrated. So I breathed a selfish prayer that we wouldn't have to share our special days, and God was kind in holding off his birth for one extra day.

Everything actually started on 1/3 as I was leaving my yoga class at 5:30 pm. My social worker texted me:
"J went to the doctor this afternoon and the dr has sent her to the hospital to see if they will induce. If they don't it may mean that her due date is off because apparently the baby is measuring a little small. She is going to let Cindy [the pregnancy counselor] know what they say at the hospital."
And then a few minutes later:
"Cindy said that J is getting admitted to the hospital!"

After a phone call to figure out whether we should head to the hospital (since inductions can take a really long time, as I learned while watching a dear friend navigate her daughter's birth this year), we kicked things into high gear. At this point I was at home, getting dinner for Phoenix and Josh. I headed out to Costco to buy some flowers for Jordan, and left Josh at home to pack his clothes and get Phoenix ready for her first sleepover. As I mentioned in an earlier post, Sean and Cassie Myers were so good to let Phoenix hang with them while we went to welcome our child to the world. Once I was home, we frantically loaded everything up (except we forgot the baby stuff, including the car seat -- go figure), and headed out the door. We dropped Phoenix off, and headed to Gwinnett Medical. We met our social  worker extraordinaire, Catie, in the lobby and waited for the hospital to figure out where they were going to put us. I've heard some horror stories about adoptive parent accommodations, so we were really thankful for how well Gwinnett Medical cared for us. We got our own room in back corner of labor and delivery -- it was large, quiet and perfect for the two days that we spent there.

While we got settled in our room, Catie went to check on Jordan. During the pre-birth adoption meetings, Jordan had expressed that she did NOT want to meet us. This was disappointing, but totally understandable -- if she needed to distance herself in order survive emotionally, we were more than willing to do whatever would serve her best. But something changed at the hospital, because Catie came back and told us that Jordan wanted to meet us. This was simultaneously exciting and terrifying - I had never considered what I would say or do, not to mention we both looked like total bums (I was still in my yoga clothes, and Josh was hangin' in his sweatpants when we rushed out of the house).
But we quickly surrendered the moment to God, and went with our social worker to meet Jordan, DJ (the birthfather) and James (Jordan's current boyfriend).

It was amazing. I am infinitely thankful that we had those few moments to meet them. Nothing miraculous transpired; we chatted about how she was feeling, what she's studying, and other small-talkish topics. But the intangibles were priceless. We got a feel for her understated, laid-back, fun personality. We got a few moments to study their faces, so that we can recognize those details as they emerge in Jericho. And we got to be the ones to tell her that the baby's middle name would Jordan, communicating to her (in such a small way) how grateful we were/are for her great love and sacrifice.

And it was fun to hear from them why they chose us. The very last page of our profile book (which you can see HERE) has a picture of me grabbing Josh's butt.

When we initially submitted our book draft to our agency, this picture was apparently a great source of controversy in the office - several social workers thought we should take it out. Catie had never told us that, so it made the cut. And that picture was the reason that they chose us … DJ said that it showed we had personality. That was so fun to hear - most of the example books that the agency had shown us were largely the same, so I worked really hard to make sure our profile book showcased our family's individuality.

Catie skillfully ended the conversation, and we went back to our room to wait. We watched a lot of "Say Yes to the Dress" (I had another lady on my side when it came to programming selection), snacked a lot, and chatted. We really could not have asked for a better social worker; Catie has been supportive, encouraging, kind, funny, and a truth-teller. It was fun to sit and catch up with her, see her latest sewing projects, talk adoption/foster care, and hang out.

Around 11, Catie went to check on Jordan again. She came back quickly, reporting that she had heard a lot of screaming and so she stayed away. Not long afterwards, we found out that we had a son! He was born at 11:04, and it turns out that Catie had actually heard his first cry!

About 20 minutes after his birth, several nurses came to introduce him to us.
The most euphoric moment? When the nurse asked his name, and we spoke his name over him for the first time.

"It's Jericho."

Catie took on the role of paparazzi, so we have so many great pictures of our first minutes with him. I will let the pictures tell this part of the story!

Waiting to meet our baby

First moments

So much love!

Sad face

First kangaroo (I'm a pro at this!)

First meal

The scene (also, this picture distorted the nurse … she didn't actually look so deformed)

Awkward hand-off

Daddy heaven

First bath

Clean, styled and swaddled

There you have it! It was such a beautiful whirlwind. We don't have any details about his birth, except that it was vaginal and she did have an epidural (but too late in the game to make much of a difference).

And thus began our love-drunk, sleep-deprived days as parents to two.
I will blog again soon to share more about our early days as adoptive parents, including our adoption procedure, bonding, etc.

Love to you all!

And the Walls Came Tumblin' Down

Welcome to our family, Jericho Jordan Cash!

Born January 3rd at 11:04 PM.
7 lbs, 5 oz.
20 1/4 inches long.

Perfect head of light, reddish tinted hair. Blue eyes. Chicken legs. Long toes. Calm disposition.

We chose the name Jericho over a year ago, while we were working to fund our original home study. Actually, we very much feel that God chose his name.

In approaching adoption, we felt the same way Joshua must have felt standing before the walls of the city of Jericho. Small, unprepared, incapable … but called. And we felt just as foolish in our many months of waiting as Joshua's army must have felt walking around the city waiting for the walls to fall. But fall they did. In the same way that, in their obedience, the Isrealites took Jericho as territory for the Lord, we have taken the soul-ground of this boy for the Kingdom of God. Our dream and prayer is that the walls of his heart will come tumblin' down again, when he makes his own choice to walk with God as an obedient warrior.

And we chose the name Jordan on 12/23, as soon as we found out that Jordan would be the mother of our child. It is our prayer that he emulates the courage, love and selflessness that she modeled in choosing adoption for her child. We are forever indebted to her, and this is just one small way we have chosen to honor her sacrifice.

Enjoy these amazing pictures taken by the infinitely talented Rachel Iliadis (they were taken on the dreariest morning of the year, with absolutely no natural light -- she's a miracle worker!).

We are a family of four -- it is so surreal that our dream has come true!

Thank you for dreaming with us, supporting us, and loving us so well … we can't wait to tell Jericho about how kind God was in orchestrating his entrance into this world and into our family!

He's Here!

Baby boy was born late Friday night, 1/3 (exactly one year after we started officially waiting).

He came straight to our room at Gwinnett Medical, and we've been mesmerized ever since. Seriously … he slept for four hours stretches last night, but I laid awake just staring at him.

I wish that I could fill this post with all his stats, millions of pictures and his name.
But we won't.

For the time being, we are only stewards of this child. His birth mother plans to sign surrenders today, but she still has a full 10 days to change her mind (her window ends Jan. 14th at 5:00 PM).

There is so much that God taught me during Phoenix's treacherous early days that translate so perfectly to our current circumstances. She was fighting for her life, and I couldn't even hold her. There was actually nothing I could do. But God settled my spirit with the truth that she never even belonged to me … she belongs to Him. And I can trust Him implicitly with my children. Even now - after 2.5 years of loving her, making decisions for her, and teaching her - she still doesn't belong to me. She has always been His, and will always be His; He has just been kind enough to entrust her to us. What an deeply important and weighty charge!

And, in the same way, God has entrusted this sweet boy to us. It may be only for 2 days, or 10 days, or his lifetime … for whatever length of time he is with us, we are deeply committed to him in love and prayer.

We are so overwhelmingly thankful for the birthmother's decision to let us steward her child - she is brave and selfless beyond our wildest imaginations. But we also want to honor the time she has to consider her decision, and thus won't divulge any more details until those 10 days pass.

Trust me when I say that holding back is hard on us … we are bursting with parental pride! So, if we make it to Jan.14, expect a serious onslaught of pictures!

The best way that you can support us right now is through prayer.
Pray for powerful bonding.
Pray for Phoenix as she transitions into sisterhood.
Pray for peace as we wait.
Pray for our families (who are losing their minds with excitement to meet him, but have to wait).

But, most of all, pray for Jordan. My momma heart is wildly broken her. Pray the nearness of God and clarity of His will.

We are still at the hospital for now, and don't really need anything (especially because Sean and Cassie Myers have been so generous to watch our firebird for us). We will keep you updated as we head home.

So much love!

Good Tidings of Great Joy

It's been a long year of waiting since I wrote about advent last year.
And a lot has changed. God has greatly grown and humbled me, and shifted my perspective.

This weekend, during the Christmas services at our church, I was haunted by a phrase I read in "Count of Monte Cristo" last week (side note -- that book is freakin' amazing. read it). 
Edmond Dantes is engaged to be married, and "various rumors were afloat to the effect that the owners of the Pharaon [the ship on which Dantes is employed] had promised to attend the nuptial feast; but all seemed unanimous in doubting that an act of such rare and exceeding condescension could possibly be intended."

Rare and exceeding condescension. Perfect turn of phrase to describe the incarnation.

While singing the familiar lyrics "Long lay the world in sin and error pining / 'til he appeared, and the soul felt it's worth," I was freshly overwhelmed by the love of God. The exceedingly great condescension of Jesus gifting himself to the world made me feel my worth.

This year, instead of focusing on the ache of waiting for our second child, God helped me to fix my heart-eyes on a child whose coming is sure. The Christ-child, my redeemer, my lover, my savior ... there is no question on when He will arrive. He has come.
So this weekend, I could honestly say that I was greatly contented with the gifts I've already received.

And then I got a phone call today.
The same pregnancy counselor that called to tell me H had changed her mind called to tell me that we've been chosen again.

This birth momma, Jordan, is due on January 1st ... that's next Wednesday, people. If all goes well, we will meet our second child in the next two weeks. And it's a surprise ... we don't know the gender!

I am so thankful for the great support that we were shown in the wake of H changing her mind, and that is why we've decided to share the news this time. So many people in our extended network have been on their knees for us, have provided generously for us, and have extended the most thoughtful expressions of care. If all goes well, we want to publically celebrate this work of God in our family. And if Jordan changes her mind, we will need you to hold us as we bleed.

Thank you for walking with us! What an amazing Christmas gift!

3 Gifts - Part 3

Just hours before we got the call that H had gone into labor, Josh’s parents gave us some sweet little gifts for baby girl. Though we had no shortage of pink blankets and onesies from when Phoenix was little, they had thoughtfully picked out some new things for #2. I had eagerly unwrapped the little clothes to make sure they were washed and ready, but everything else was forgotten in the rush to leave for the hospital. When we came home with empty arms, those gifts didn’t really seem to have a place anymore.

Freed up by Josh’s parents to do whatever I wanted/needed, I decided to return them. So I found myself at Walmart with a gift card to spend … since the money was intended for grandchild gifts, it only made sense to use it on things we needed for Phoenix. After a few minutes, we had some socks, bibs and fairy wings in our cart and nothing left on the list. So we headed for the toy aisles.

I will just go ahead and own the fact that I am “that” parent … the one who is picky about what toys end up in our home.  I normally gravitate towards well-made toys that facilitate creativity, learning and motor skills. Plastics, characters and batteries aren’t part of my MO. And, while Phoenix really does enjoy the choices we make, she usually isn’t all that involved in picking out her playthings (yet).

While we perused the toy aisles, she made some comments here and there, but didn’t seem particularly drawn to anything. Until she saw that box of crappy, anatomically distorted ponies.

“You wanna hold the ponies!” she exclaimed (we are still working on pronouns).

I handed her the box, and she immediately began stroking their pink hair.

“She’s so beautiful!”

I wish that my video camera had been rolling in that moment. It was the sweetest display, and I’ve played it over in my mind many times to make sure I don’t forget it. This was exactly the kind of toy that I DON’T normally buy, but it gave me so much joy to get those ponies for her. It was a privilege to say yes to her. I might have even been more excited about this gift than she was.

And God instantly reminded me that it is also His joy to give gifts to his children.

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him?” – Matthew 7:9-10

I’ve had a hard time embracing that truth over the last year. I understand it cognitively, but it has been hard for my heart to get on board. I still don’t have the baby-gift I have begged to receive.

God, despite withholding our second child, has been relentless in working Matthew 7:9-10 into my soul theology. It started with the ponies, then a getaway with Josh, then a perfectly-timed free coffee, and on and on. But, like the ungrateful child I am, I have often sulked about His gift choices. Every morning, I have to choose to believe that he will answer my pleas for a child. And, each day, it is harder.

I wish that I had some gift-wrapped conclusion for this post – but I don’t.

All I have is a petition for your prayers. I need y’all to pick up my paralyzed faith on mat and carry it to Jesus. I know that my smallness of perspective is directly related to my understanding of God’s love. So pray that I experience His love more deeply, believe Him more fundamentally, and that I wait more patiently.

3 Gifts - Part 2

I know, I know ... this has been a long time coming.

Honestly, I hadn't written this post because these thoughts have been slow to brew in my heart, and because I knew it would hurt to write them down.
But I've ignored it long enough.

My senior year in college, I took a class called "Contemporary Christian Ethics Theory - Agape, Gift and Obligation." Much of the semester was devoted to exploring "the gift," and whether it can exist outside of economic exchange. For much of the semester, we mused with Derrida (whose name must be said in a French accent while shaking one's fist) about whether one can actually give a gift without expecting anything in return (even a "thanks") or receiving anything in return (even the warm-fuzzy feelings of having contributed to someone). He believed it was impossible to remove gifts from the horizon of economy, thus negating the term "gift" altogether.

We didn't get to give Hannah that necklace, but we did give her a gift. We gave her the gift of choice.

I can't imagine her hardship in the hours following the baby's birth. She was weighing options that not only impacted her directly, but that would forever impact that tiny new soul. We waited for 36 painstaking hours after the baby's birth because she had so much to consider.
But what if we had not been there? She wouldn't have had any terrifying decisions, right? Just the impending reality of motherhood. She would have held that little burrito-wrapped baby with no options but to embark on single-parenthood.
Because we were there, she got to choose motherhood. She got to say "I want to do this," instead of "I have to do this."
And that is a remarkable gift that we gave to both her and the baby. Alexandria has a mom who, with other viable options, decided to parent.

And this gift that we gave? I know for a fact that it blows Derrida and his aporias out of the water.
We received nothing in return and never will.
It came at a devastating cost. I am still unearthing new pains and still find myself punched in the gut with sorrow.
The knowledge of this given-gift doesn't serve me in any way ... if only it brought comfort.
And, though it was compulsory, I would give it again in a heartbeart.

At the end of the class, we concluded something that is so simply true: God has given us the perfect gift of Jesus. And this love-motivated, love-fulfilled gift came at great cost with no strings attached.

We gift-loved H because God first gift-loved us.