Grace for the Process

I've been reading through Job this week.

Honestly, this is one of the only times I've read through this book during a season of stability. Normally, I turn to this book as an act of desperation, when my own calamities (admittedly very mild compared to those that plague Job) leave me looking for a word from God. It works for me. Chapters 38-42 are quick to put me in my place, leading me to renewed repentance and trust.

But I'm seeing it with different eyes this time around, perhaps because I don't feel the need to superimpose my own sorrow on the text. I can see Job's story as his own.

Around chapter 10, I was starting to get mildly annoyed with Job. I understand his grief was immense, his suffering was vast. But, at this point, he seems to have cast himself as the protagonist in a Shakespearean tragedy, declaring "my eye will never see good again" (7:7). He is stuck so deep in the mire of his circumstances that he wishes he had been stillborn: "Why did you bring me out from the womb? Would that I had died before any eye had seen me and were though I had not been, carried from the womb to the grave" (10:18-19). Kind of dramatic, eh?

With the sour taste of Job's attitude in my mouth, I then read this verse in James:
"Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful" (5:11, emphasis mine).

Wait ... what?!? The steadfastness of Job? Did James and I read the same book? Job clearly succumbed to the temptation of despair - shouldn't that disqualify him for a descriptor like "steadfast?"

What at first seems problematic opened up to me as a promise. Job despaired, but his life was not characterized by that despair.
My attitude in any one moment does not define my life. The failures of any one season do not comprise my legacy.

God has spent the last few months opening my heart-eyes to a lot of ugliness that exists in me. More than normal, I'm acutely aware of my failures, temptations and apathy. And, if I allow it, this depravity-acknowledgement can be discouraging.

That's why I'm thankful for this spoonful-of-sugar lesson from God. The spirit-refining medicine that God administers is important and ultimately kind, but can be oh-so-difficult to swallow. It was good to be reminded that who I am in this moment is not who I am. The heart snapshot of today is not permanent, and God has great forward-looking grace with me. And I need to have this grace with myself too. I do not excuse myself, but humbly admit I'm a weird, lumpy piece of clay in the hands of a brilliant potter. 

I hope this reminder is a soul-salve for you too. Your anger, your dismissiveness, your lack of self control, your fear, your depravity in its various forms; these do not define you. They are an indication of your humanity, but remember that divinity is at work in you. Have grace and patience for the process!