Thankful

Josh and I waited until Friday morning to call our social worker to cancel our home visit - we were giving God every last minute to miraculously provide the money for us.

But by Thursday afternoon, I was getting the feeling that maybe things wouldn't end up going according to plan. Trying to fight my glass-half-empty tendencies, I sat outside with Phoenix waiting for the mail. At that point, it was the only remaining logical avenue for provision, so I flexed my hope muscles by sitting in the driveway.

And, while simultaneously disheartened by our current circumstances, I was overwhelmingly thankful for that moment. I was watching my tiny brown-eyed-beauty crawl excitedly around our driveway, charging toward pinecones and then proudly lifting them up to show me. She was fearless in adventuring through piles of pine needles to seek leaf treasures, which she would hand to me whenever she stopped by my lap for some more banana-snack. I was just enthralled with her. To think that I so vehemently questioned God's plan when she came my way is so crazy in retrospect. I can't imagine a life without those squishy cheeks, that sweet-but-stubborn spirit and those doe eyes.

So I'm trusting the God who made my heart to love Phoenix Ethel, because he's orchestrating our adoption the same way.

And, more than usual, I am thankful for the support and ministry of my amazing friends. Phone calls, game nights and hugs have been the hand of God to my heart this weekend.
One such friend offered a much-needed reminder in this (hopefully short) time of silence from God. Essentially, she reminded me that when God is silent, you just cling to the last thing He said.

He seems silent on our adoption now, so we cling to his last words. Silence doesn't mean He changed His mind ... it means that He already told us "Yes."

Can't wait to see how His "yes" plays out in our life!

No Home Visit Today

Well, it looks like things are slowing down for us on the adoption front.
We called this morning to cancel our home visit because we don't have the money to pay for it. Even close.

The bad news? There are some broken hearts in the Cash house this morning.
Adoption is the hardest thing I've ever done ... especially right now.
This morning I said to Josh, "Maybe I should just get pregnant." WHAT!? That's how you know this is wrecking me.

The good news? All the paperwork is done and our house is the cleanest it's been since we moved in. If anyone wants to come stay with us, we would be incredible hosts right now!

Honestly, it feels like we called down fire from heaven and were left standing in front of a waterlogged altar. We still believe that God is capable, but we're just trying to figure out what this means for us going forward.

PLEASE pray for clarity on next steps. We feel like God is silent in the process right now, but we are so desperate to hear Him speak.

We know that there will definitely be a time for asking for help -- and we are so thankful that people in our life are eager and willing. But the bulk of our need comes AFTER the homevisit, and hopefully we will qualify for a non-profit that can make people's donations tax-deductible. So I think we are just going to have to delay the visit until we can save up the money.

Things I am repeating to myself this morning:
- "You are too wise to ever make a mistake, too loving to ever do anything unkind."
- Isaiah 49:4 "But I said, 'I have labored in vain; I have spent my strength for nothing at all. Yet what is due me is in the Lord’s hand,and my reward is with my God.'"
- I would rather be a fool in faith than never see the miraculous hand of God.

We are trusting that God is kind and good even when when He answers differently than we planned.

Just keep praying for us ... for diligence in saving, for discernment in hearing from the Lord, for strength to stand against lies and (most of all) for comfort.

My Prayer for Today

"My heart rejoices in You, Lord, for You are my strong shelter in times of trouble and danger and stress, my hiding place to whom I may continually resort ... my Father who lovingly provides for me ... my Shepherd who guides and protects me ... my Champion who upholds my cause as His child and defends my highest interests ... my Bridegroom who delights in me ... my God who is mighty to save, who rests in His love for and rejoices over me with singing, with shouts of joy. You are my inheritance, my share in life, the One who satisfies my longing soul and fills my hungry soul with goodness.
I praise You for Your love and Your wisdom. You are too wise to ever make a mistake, too loving to ever do anything unkind. You act on my behalf, accomplishing what concerns me and fulfilling Your purpose for me as I call on You. Thank You that You love me deeply and tenderly. You are compassionate and gracious, full of lovingkindness, ready to forgive, patiently considerate, and generous beyond imagining. You desire my love and rejoice to do good things for me. You delight to give me the desires of my heart as I delight myself in You. How precious is Your love to me, O God! I sing for joy as I take refuge in the shadow of Your wings!"
- From 31 Days of Praise, Ruth & Warren Myers (emphasis added)

Please Pray

I read once that "adoption in not for wimps."
No matter how juvenile that sounds, I am quickly learning that it is deeply true.

In all honesty, I am emotionally exhausted by where we are in the process.
A week from today, we have our home visit. In one week, we have to have all our documents complete, a check written and our minds made up about our openness.
And it feels like we keep hitting bumps in the road. Some expensive bumps.
Even things I had crossed of the checklist are weaseling their way back into my world, and I am on the verge of tears at every turn.
Insurance won't pay for blood tests. Need to re-do a drug test (not sketchy, don't worry). Need to get our septic tank inspected ... again. Will-making software won't work on my computer. Every form costs money to fill out. Ugh.
I am not a details person, so that probably makes all of this a hundred times worse.

I have found myself thinking, "Should we even be doing this?" And I hate it. I hate questioning a decision that felt so God-given.

So we need prayer. DESPERATELY.

First, that God would align our will with his own. If these bumps in the road are his way of getting our attention, we want to be sensitive to that.

Second, that we wouldn't be discouraged. Even if God is slowing down our timeline, I want this process to be characterized by hope. Positivity has never really been my strength, and I sometimes have be very intentional about seeing the silver lining. So pray that God imbue us both (but especially me) with an endurant joy.

Third, pray that God would make a way for the paperwork and money to be ready by the 26th.
Pray Isaiah 40:4-5 over us.

"Every valley shall be lifted up,
and every mountain and hill be made low;
the uneven ground shall become level,
and the rough places a plain.

And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed,
and all flesh shall see it together." (ESV)

I keep returning in my heart to the way that God has orchestrated our adoption so far, and I am clinging to the promises he's made to our family.

Fourth, pray that I would trust. My spiritual life has developed a markedly noticeable pattern up to this point. Whatever I want, I don't get. Whatever I don't want, I get. This has always ended up working out in my favor. I didn't want to go to Texas for school, to Philly for ministry, to Church Under the Bridge, or to a megachurch. And I didn't want to get married so soon or have a baby so soon. But those places/experiences/relationships have been the dearest to me, even if God had to drag me into them (kicking and screaming, I might add). So there is this deep-seated fear in my heart that God will say "no" to this adoption because I want it so much. Messed up, eh? Pray against the lie that God withholds good things from his children!

Fifth, pray for our marriage. Pray that this process would strengthen and unite us, not frustrate and distance us.

Sixth, (and most importantly) pray for our child. It is crazy to think that he/she could possibly already be conceived. Pray that he/she would be at the forefront of our hearts and minds, as our treasured prize for running this race.

Not sure where we would be without your prayers -- thanks you again for wearing out your knees on our behalf!

 

 

Still Deciding

I'm still trying to decide how I feel about the future of my blogging endeavors. If I am going to do it, then I want to give it the time, effort, planning and vision that goes into any meaningful media. And I haven't quite nailed down whether it is worth it. Or if I even have anything unique to contribute to the blogging community. Hmm ... who knows.

BUT --
All of this reflection has made me think a lot about what blogs/blogging has meant to me, and I found myself surprisingly thankful. When it comes to forms of expression and media, I am admittedly biased towards books. God himself is on my side ... when he wanted to communicate truth to his people, we got a book (the Bible, in case anyone was confused). And I still love books ... ardently. But blogs have found a place in my life, and, interestingly, in my heart.

Here's why.
1. Because, when I found out that I was very unexpectedly pregnant, I hated the idea of becoming a mom. Obviously, this was something that I would have to get over. My mommyhood-hating remedy? Mom blogs. There was one particular blogger that made motherhood sound like the greatest adventure, and it gave me just an inkling of hope that my life wasn't ruined. And the more blogs I read, the more I believed that maybe being a mother could end up being one of the great joys of my life. And blogs continue to inspire my parenting, to imbue me with creativity and to encourage me in exhaustion. I often find myself thinking "you too?" while reading mommy blogs ... and that solidarity (even with people I've never met) has been indescribably life-giving.
2. Since our budget requires eating at home most nights, I have had to start cooking/meal planning. I don't know how anyone did this before the Internet, but blogs are the reason that we survive on home-cooked meals. When we first got married, Josh ate a lot of tacos and I ate a lot of frozen Trader Joe's entrees. Enter aforementioned baby (and all her expenses) ... now we eat so well at home! We eat a minimally-processed, mostly organic diet -- with A LOT of variety. If eating at home meant casseroles every night, we would've given up months ago. But blogs have given us so many wonderful meals! And I have found online cohorts for my baking addiction; though not good for the budget, baking is always so fun for me!
3. Because blogging about Phoenix's birth/NICU stay was not only informative for all the wonderful people who were praying for us, but it was hugely therapeutic for me. It gave me a recurring reason to sort through my experiences and feelings, and it gave me a taste of leading through personal hardship.
4. Because it is a fun window into other people's worlds! Granted, it is largely the good stuff -  in other words, fashion bloggers don't take pictures in their jammies. Even though it is edited, I love to see the creativity, self-expression, intentionality, devotion and love that exist in the lives of other people. Maybe that makes me a creeper ... or maybe just a people-appreciator.
5. Reading blogs inevitably leads me to wonderful little corners of the internet where I learn new things. I come out of such corners with a new favorite quote or artist, a new word or paradigm, a new craft or new style strategy (anyone else notice that the front-tuck is making a comeback?), a tattoo idea or verse to memorize. And the summation of those little thought-trinkets ends up being a meaningful contribution to my life.

So no matter what decision lies on the horizon for my personal blog, I will always be thankful for blogging!

Long Overdue Update

Sorry for the absence.
Candidly, I am trying to figure out what place blogging has in my life, if any. If it is just for the grandparents to stalk Phoenix, then I'm not sure it's worth it. Up to this point, my processing has left me silent. But I have had so many people (lovingly) ask us about what's going on with the adoption, that I want to update the masses.

Here is what has happened since I last blogged:

8/31 - Joint Interview
This was the official beginning of our homestudy process! It wasn't actually an interview at all ... our awesome social worker just walked us through the 70 page homestudy packet, making sure we understood it all. That was pretty much it.

9/8 - CPR Class
Shout out to my awesome sister who watched Phoenix for several hours while Josh and I went to this class. The lady who taught it was the best part ... otherwise, it was pretty standard.

9/13 - Individual Interviews
For these interviews, Josh and I had to each do a "self-study." Translation: we each answered several pages of questions about our personality, upbringing, family dynamic, parenting, schooling, walk with Christ, friendships, marriage, sexual relationship, goals and our own parenting philosophy. It was EXHAUSTING. I complained my way through the 15 pages of answers. That's right ... our poor social worker read around 30 pages about our lives BEFORE our interviews. Even though I hated it, it forced me to thoroughly think through how I was parented, what I want to build into my children, and how I plan to partner with Christ (and Josh) in molding their hearts.
[Shameless pride: Our social worker told me that I had some of the best answers to the parenting section that she'd ever heard. Boom]
We "passed," although the purpose was more for our social worker to know us well enough to write our homestudy document.

9/25 - Waiting Family Dinner
Although we aren't technically "waiting" until our homestudy is complete, we were invited to this potluck that included both international and domestic adoptions. The topic? "Tools of the Trade for Interracial/Intercultural Adoption." It was really interesting ... mostly because it clarified arenas of our life where we can be more intentional about diversity. She also gave suggestions of books/toys that normalize diversity ... so I know what we will be introducing into Phoenix's toy/book box in the coming months.

What's happing now ...
We are wading through paperwork hell. Ink and live-scan fingerprints, 911 records, septic tank inspections, financial documentation, blah, blah, blah. I understand cognitively why this is all important ... a birthmom shouldn't have to worry about the history/character of potentional adoptive parents. But it's obnoxius because I know they aren't going to find anything sketchy in my past ... no crimes, no domestic disturbances, just one or two late payments.
We need SO MUCH PRAYER for all this paperwork. Pray for diligence in completing tasks and favor in the processing (so that our fingerprints don't sit on someone's desk for weeks).

10/26 - Home Visit
This is the day that our social worker will come to make sure our house is clean, safe, and child-appropriate. She will also collect all our paperwork and a very large check.
One last large prayer request: when she comes to our home, she will talk through our level of "openness." Between now and then, Josh and I need to decide what we are willing to accept when it comes to race, birthparent medical/emotional history, and potential birth complications/defects. We want to honor God in the process, and make decisions that our right for our family.

Whew. Expect to hear from us on the 26th or 27th!