Mother's Day

I love today.
Not really because it is my chance to get celebrated for being a mom (although I do enjoy that) but because it affords a day of reflection on how truly amazing motherhood is.
I have spent a lot of time this week thinking about this time last year. It was my first mother's day ... I remember wearing the green heels that Josh had bought me as a gift, strutting my pregnant self around, feeling very proud of the task entrusted to me. But I was also still grieving the loss of dreams, feeling admittedly selfish about the pregnancy, and generally fearing the baby-on-the-outside kind of mothering. I loved Phoenix (or TC, as we called her then), but it was a very primal love. I would have died for her, but I didn't have the deep affection or soul connection that I have experienced this past year. I was a mom, but against my own will.
Now, after a year of knowing, loving, kissing, holding, fighting for, praying over, feeding, snuggling, teaching, entertaining and engaging my baby girl, I have truly fallen in love with motherhood. When I think about who I was last year, I feel sorry for that girl. I wish I had understood how Phoenix was going to light up my world, how being a mom (though extremely hard) would become my dearest pursuit.
Motherhood, like any job, has its ups and downs -- except I believe the weightiness of the task affords higher heights and deeper depths than I would ever have imagined. There are days where I literally come to the end of my sanity, but there are days were I feel like I am living in a dream.
Turns out, motherhood is still kind of involuntary for me. There is this little life that daily depends on me, whether I like it or not.
But I also choose motherhood.
I want it ... every day.
Even when it sucks, I can't entertain the idea of my life otherwise. It was truly the kindness of God that steered my life in this direction, and I couldn't be more grateful. I would willing trade anything -- the chance at going back to school, a dream job, traveling, nice clothes -- again in a heartbeat to be where I am. It is a joy to experience God's heart for his children, to teach her, to help shape her soul and build her character. And the love. Oh, the love I have for her. Year-ago-me could never have imagined the nature of this love that God has given me for her. I did not have a mommy's heart, but He gave me one.
And it is so full.

I have been so lavishly blessed by family in celebration of Mother's day. My parents bought me an orchid and a book, my in-laws sent me beautiful irises, and my church showered me in treats and flowers. My amazing husband went above and beyond, and took me shopping this week ... with his birthday money (he made me agree before hand that I wouldn't protest). He dutifully carried my bags, waited while I tried stuff on, and paid for the things I chose. It was AWESOME.
But my best gift? Today, after going to a friend's beautiful wedding, all three of us took a late-afternoon nap while it rained. My tiny girl was curled up next to me, her face in my chest and her tiny feet resting on my legs. The gentle rain, the warmth of Josh sleeping near me, and the chance to just snuggle my sleeping Phoenix was sublime.
I am so thankful that when God and I disagree, He wins. Because being a mom is the jam.

Adoption Dreams

I guess the time has come for us to actually put this out there ... Josh and I are officially pursuing adoption. Domestic, infant adoption.
There will be a day where I fully explain our journey to this point, our decision-making process and our reasoning for the specific route we've chosen. The short version -- God's leading.

We submitted our preliminary application to Bethany Christian Services a couple weeks ago, and we really start the process on June 11th (Phoenix has to be a year old before they will officially accept our application).

Here is what I know: I am still wildly ignorant about so many facets of this process, I am incredibly nervous about what will surely be a roller-coaster journey, and I can hardly contain my excitement. 

I can't explain how deeply connected I already feel to a baby that may or may not have been conceived. I was looking at THIS book at work tonight, and ended up in tears because so much of it rings true for me even though we have literally just begun our journey. The mama is explaining the adoption journey to her child, and she says:

I wished for you with my morning coffee, and when I made my bed.

I couldn't get my wish for you out from in my head.

  

Our future child may not be physically conceived, but he/she is dreamt about, prayed for and cherished already. 

As we embark on this journey, I want to articulate my/our dreams for the process and for our child. I want to be able to look back and see the faithfulness of God in responding to our hearts and exceeding our expectations.

So, here you go:

• First and foremost, we want to see God glorified.
• We want to fully acknowledge our status as adopted children of God, and experience His adoptive heart.
• We want to see the child that God designed for us come into our home, no matter how long or hard the process. 
• We want to grow as people, parents and followers of Christ. I am already being changed, and I am thankful for all the impending opportunities to trust God.
• We want to be faithful and diligent in learning everything we can about how to do this well.
• We want to be a blessing to the birthmom, and incorporate her (and potentially the birthfather) into our lives in the most healthy way possible. 
• We want to see the provision of God make this financially possible for us.
• We want to be vocal about the process, so that people get a window into the miracle of adoption. It was truly a gift for me to share my heart during our NICU experience, and I plan to be equally honest and forthcoming about this next journey in our family.
• We want to witness the breakdown of stereotypes and play a part in racial reconciliation.
• We want to be advocates for adoptees. 

Big dreams, I know. But that's just kind of how I roll.
Keep us in your prayers, and dream big with us.

Side note: I know this is not in keeping with the tone of this post, but a bug just crawled out of my computer. That is the second time I have been laying in bed, and see a bug come up from between the screen and keyboard. What the heck!? Now I feel like they are crawling all over me ...

Baking Exploits

I have done my fair share of baking in the last few days, and felt compelled to share. Well, not the baked goods. I felt compelled to eat those. But I want to share the recipes!

First, I baked some strawberry cupcakes with vanilla buttercream frosting.
Why, you may ask, did I bake these cupcakes? Because I saw this picture:

See? Now you want to bake cake too.
Oh, and I was also bored. Josh went to see the Eagles in concert, and I was homebound with the babe.
The recipe came from Smitten Kitchen ... click HERE to check it out.
I decided to go with individual cupcakes, so that I could bring treats for my small group girls on Thursday night. If you decide to do the same, really spread that batter out. I only made 12 cupcakes, and they overflowed a little ...

Not super pretty ... but they still tasted AMAZING!
And, in my opinion, everything is enhanced with a little buttercream frosting.

Ya, they got uglier. AND ... tastier! They got the seal of approval from my high school small group, so that was a win in my book.
THIS has become my go-to recipe for frosting, btw.

Next, I whipped up a batch of cookies for Josh's birthday (which is today! Happy Birthday, love!)
It was a cruel joke of God to make me a diabetic who loves to bake, that also has a husband who doesn't care for sweets. So whenever I bake, I have to make sure there is someone around to help me eat them ... with the exception of these cookies. Josh grew up eating them around Christmas, and they are his no-sweets exception.

Here is the recipe:

2 1/4 c. flour
1/4 tsp. salt
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 c. shortening
1 c. sugar
2 eggs
1/2 tsp. vanilla
1 T. milk
Mix flour, salt and baking powder; set aside. Cream shortening and sugar together in a large bowl. Add eggs and vanilla. Last, mix dry ingredients with milk to creamed mixture. Roll dough out onto floured surface; cut out shapes. Bake on ungreased cookie sheets for 8-12 minutes @ 375 degrees. 

After cookies are cooled, ice with a simple frosting of powdered sugar, water & food coloring. 

I hope that I didn't just reveal some treasured Cash family secret. If I did ... well shoot. Y'all are stuck with me.

I sent these cookies to work with Josh tonight, so that his people could partake (and so they would be far from the diabetic ... see the strategy?). But one of Josh's co-workers also has a birthday this weekend, so I made Jared his favorite cake too. A cheesecake. THIS was a little outside my comfort zone, but I decided to go for it. 

I didn't realize, however, that it would need to cool for SIX HOURS. I was leasurely eating my one-egg-and-bacon brunch this morning while reading the recipe, and then sprinted out the door for eggs (I had six in the house, but needed seven. Ugh.) 

Mine ended up looking fairly pretty (I forgot to get a picture before I ran out the door with it), but I have no idea how it tasted. It's a dangerous idea to make a new recipe and then send it out unsampled. But I live on the edge. 

Side note #1: Yes, I am indeed obsessed with Smitten Kitchen. Sue me.

Side note #2: Sorry my pictures are from Instagram. The iPad is usually just an arms reach away, and I can email pictures to my computer instead of having to wait to borrow Josh's.