Visual Lethargy

I have been reading the book "Dangerous Calling" (Paul David Tripp) for a project, and keep finding myself with a lot of things to say. This book has been quite the conundrum for me. I don't actually enjoy reading it -- largely because of the author's writing style, but also because the structure isn't intuitive and the purely diagnostic tone can be extremely frustrating. It has, however, prompted a good deal of self-reflection. Even in moments of severe disagreement with the author, I find myself forced to re-examine my motivations and my posture before God.
I can't say conclusively whether I recommend it or not ... in part because I haven't finished it, and also because my actual analysis gets muddled in my strong reactions (both positive and negative) to the content. Hopefully I can decide at some point.

I will spare you the majority of my thoughts ... most of them are either wildly personal or tinged with serious exasperation.
Here is the one tidbit I will share, starting with a passage from the book.

"Artists talk of the the dynamic of visual lethargy, which means that the more you see something, the less you actually see it. On that drive to work the first day, you are conscious of all the sights and sounds. You notice that beautiful grove of ancient trees and that cool modern duplex on the corner. But by your twentieth trip, you've quit noticing, and you're wishing the traffic would move faster so you could get to work, for Pete's sake! Something has happened to you that seems inevitable but is not good. You have quit seeing, and in you failure to see, you have quit being moved and thankful. The beauty that once attracted you is still there to see, buy you don't see it, and you cannot celebrate what you fail to see."

My gut reaction?
"This concept is totally foreign to me as a mother."

Not that every moment of every day I go about glorying in the wonder of my child ... at all. Sometimes all I see in her is a mess, or a tantrum, or a timer counting down the minutes until she goes to bed.
But not a day goes by where I don't have at least one awe-moment. Where I really see her ... her sweet soul, her feisty spirit, her beautiful person. And this is not something I have to muster up, but rather a spontaneous response to being near to her.

[Brief interlude for pictures of aforementioned baby ... pictures that I can't stop looking at. And sending to people. And making Josh look at.]

This one is a teaser from our family picture session with Kevin Scheidt

Ok, so back to what I was saying.

So I started to wonder ... why would I have visual lethargy with some things (like my drive to work), but not with my daughter or husband?

It's because they are dynamic. Two weeks ago, Phoenix would just sit and watch me play patty cake. Now she joins in clapping. Two weeks ago, Josh would have gagged at the idea of eating tofu. But he has eaten it twice this week and LIKED IT (what!?).
I keep falling in love with Josh and Phoenix every day because I have never discovered the depths of who they are. Even if I were close, they are both constantly changing. Real loving means braving uncharted territory everyday, which (though sometimes scary or intimidating) always involves miraculous treasures. No day passes without at least a millisecond of awe.

I have always been drawn to the unchanging character of God. He is faithful, and that truth gives me strength to cling to Him even when my world seems to spin out of control.

But today, I am thankful also for the dynamic spirit of God. I am thankful that it is impossible to have visual lethargy when one's spiritual eyes are fixed on Christ. I am thrilled anew that I have only a grain of knowledge about God, and that He will spend the rest of eternity surprising me. I am a captive audience, waiting with bated breath to see what He reveals next.
And I am humbled that my story of grace is dynamic as well - that forgiveness is a fresh offering every moment, and that my renewal blooms with a simple prayer.

My Prayer for Today

"My heart rejoices in You, Lord, for You are my strong shelter in times of trouble and danger and stress, my hiding place to whom I may continually resort ... my Father who lovingly provides for me ... my Shepherd who guides and protects me ... my Champion who upholds my cause as His child and defends my highest interests ... my Bridegroom who delights in me ... my God who is mighty to save, who rests in His love for and rejoices over me with singing, with shouts of joy. You are my inheritance, my share in life, the One who satisfies my longing soul and fills my hungry soul with goodness.
I praise You for Your love and Your wisdom. You are too wise to ever make a mistake, too loving to ever do anything unkind. You act on my behalf, accomplishing what concerns me and fulfilling Your purpose for me as I call on You. Thank You that You love me deeply and tenderly. You are compassionate and gracious, full of lovingkindness, ready to forgive, patiently considerate, and generous beyond imagining. You desire my love and rejoice to do good things for me. You delight to give me the desires of my heart as I delight myself in You. How precious is Your love to me, O God! I sing for joy as I take refuge in the shadow of Your wings!"
- From 31 Days of Praise, Ruth & Warren Myers (emphasis added)

Waiting

<--- Been reading this awesome book lately.

I promise I will (at some point) provide a thorough review of this book on French parenting. For now, I just want to share how God continues to teach me about being His child.

The fourth chapter of the book, aptly title "wait!" recounts the French emphasis on delayed gratification. Druckerman was struck by the capacity of French children to sit calmly in restaurants, to eat only one snack per day, and to generally have more command of themselves.
Turns out, from infancy, French parents make waiting a part of their children's reality. Intentional pausing allows babies to self-soothe and older children to self-distract, making them more autonomous and capable. If French families bake cupcakes in the morning, the children will expect to wait until their afternoon snack to sample the treats.

I am bought in. For my own sanity, I do not want to be at the constant beck-and-call of my children. But more importantly, I think is wildly unhealthy for babies/kids to believe the world revolves around them. I want our kids to feel part of something bigger than themselves, and to be capable of respecting the needs and desires of other people. Josh agreed, and we are already getting Phoenix on a more predictable eating schedule (which requires a little waiting).

Unfortunately, this book has heightened my already growing frustration with being a stay-at-home mom. I am so thankful for Phoenix, and do not regret being home with her up to this point. But I am stir-crazy. And under-stimulated. And unkempt. Anyone who knows me will not be surprised that I am desperately looking forward to either going back to work or school. I don't mind couponing, laundry, cooking and I LOVE hanging with Phoenix. But I would just love to not have those things comprise the totality of my existence.

The problem? I cannot justify putting Phoenix in some random daycare for a job that doesn't even matter to me. If I am going to drop my baby off with someone I don't know, I want to be pursuing my passions. And God has yet to present such an opportunity.

Last night, in tears, I was telling Josh how ready I am to contribute to the world outside our home. To my fatalist exaggerations about never being a regular person again, he tried gently reminding me that being a stay-at-home mom will not last forever. I responded, "But I am tired of it NOW!"

Hmmm. Feels a little like God is pulling the ole delayed gratification trick with me. Just when I decided that waiting it such an important part of nurturing maturity in Phoenix, God reminded me that my own life is no different.
There is no shortage of waiting in scripture, so I am sure the coming days will bring much study for the sake of encouragement.
In the meantime, I am thankful for a God who knows the longings of my heart, who is patient with my impatience, and is working something good in me.

Side note -- I got the stomach flu the morning after eating the recipe from my previous post. I am positive those things are not related (since Cami didn't get sick), but my subconscious apparently associates them. In other words, I almost gagged when I saw the picture below.