Another Momma's Day

Apparently Mother's Day makes me really reflective (see my posts from the last two years HERE and HERE).
While each year makes me muse, my heart-eyes seem to see motherhood from different angles with the passing of time.
This year, I feel like a woman adorned. Not because of any particular temporal finery, but because my mothering crown has grown and changed this year. My son is steel and my daughter is diamond - both strong, brilliant, sharp and valuable. I hold my head high with great pride, fully aware of the great treasure entrusted to me. And I am humbled and moved by the kindness of God in fulfilling my longings for a second child. I feel markedly beautiful, perhaps even regal, when holding my children - I am thankful that God saw me fit to crown.
While I am deeply grateful for my precious adornment, it is heavy and slightly battered. This was a tough year for me as a mama, and I don't think I've emerged unscathed. Hopeful and healed, yes ...but not unscathed. Losing a baby in October left a grief-stain that has permanently settled into the fibers of my heart. And I cannot help but mourn the loss that Jordan will feel so acutely on Sunday. I was a hot mess in the Mother's Day card aisle at Target, where I desperately opened every single card, trying to find something appropriate to send to the mother of my child. How does one simultaneously acknowledge great joy and great suffering? I gave up and picked a blank card, penning some words that just seemed lifeless compared to the well of emotion I have carried with me this week. If it was in my power to skim over one calendar day, I would make Mother's Day pass as a whisper to spare her even an ounce of extra grief. Our two mama-hearts are more intricately tied than I anticipated, and her wounds feel (in some small way) like my own.
When it came time to pick our wedding bands a few years ago, I gravitated towards a thin, hammered metal ring. Josh was so hesitant to buy it ... he was sure I would change my mind. But it was a very intentional decision: I wanted a reminder that I was entering into an imperfect marriage, and thus committing to rough days and seasons as well as beautiful ones. Oh the heights and depths we have experienced in the last three years - my rings ring as a perfect symbol.
Motherhood seems to follow the same pattern - I am both elated and exhausted. Thrilled and thrashed.
Willing and worn. But I wouldn't have it any other way.