Mother's Day

I love today.
Not really because it is my chance to get celebrated for being a mom (although I do enjoy that) but because it affords a day of reflection on how truly amazing motherhood is.
I have spent a lot of time this week thinking about this time last year. It was my first mother's day ... I remember wearing the green heels that Josh had bought me as a gift, strutting my pregnant self around, feeling very proud of the task entrusted to me. But I was also still grieving the loss of dreams, feeling admittedly selfish about the pregnancy, and generally fearing the baby-on-the-outside kind of mothering. I loved Phoenix (or TC, as we called her then), but it was a very primal love. I would have died for her, but I didn't have the deep affection or soul connection that I have experienced this past year. I was a mom, but against my own will.
Now, after a year of knowing, loving, kissing, holding, fighting for, praying over, feeding, snuggling, teaching, entertaining and engaging my baby girl, I have truly fallen in love with motherhood. When I think about who I was last year, I feel sorry for that girl. I wish I had understood how Phoenix was going to light up my world, how being a mom (though extremely hard) would become my dearest pursuit.
Motherhood, like any job, has its ups and downs -- except I believe the weightiness of the task affords higher heights and deeper depths than I would ever have imagined. There are days where I literally come to the end of my sanity, but there are days were I feel like I am living in a dream.
Turns out, motherhood is still kind of involuntary for me. There is this little life that daily depends on me, whether I like it or not.
But I also choose motherhood.
I want it ... every day.
Even when it sucks, I can't entertain the idea of my life otherwise. It was truly the kindness of God that steered my life in this direction, and I couldn't be more grateful. I would willing trade anything -- the chance at going back to school, a dream job, traveling, nice clothes -- again in a heartbeat to be where I am. It is a joy to experience God's heart for his children, to teach her, to help shape her soul and build her character. And the love. Oh, the love I have for her. Year-ago-me could never have imagined the nature of this love that God has given me for her. I did not have a mommy's heart, but He gave me one.
And it is so full.

I have been so lavishly blessed by family in celebration of Mother's day. My parents bought me an orchid and a book, my in-laws sent me beautiful irises, and my church showered me in treats and flowers. My amazing husband went above and beyond, and took me shopping this week ... with his birthday money (he made me agree before hand that I wouldn't protest). He dutifully carried my bags, waited while I tried stuff on, and paid for the things I chose. It was AWESOME.
But my best gift? Today, after going to a friend's beautiful wedding, all three of us took a late-afternoon nap while it rained. My tiny girl was curled up next to me, her face in my chest and her tiny feet resting on my legs. The gentle rain, the warmth of Josh sleeping near me, and the chance to just snuggle my sleeping Phoenix was sublime.
I am so thankful that when God and I disagree, He wins. Because being a mom is the jam.