It has been a day of uncharted emotional territory for me. I am simultaneously celebrating and mourning. I woke this morning to the sweet sounds of my baby lady talking in the other room, but it was only moments before I felt that familiar ache to meet my promised child.
I was well celebrated this weekend. I got a beautiful locket, didn't cook, indulged in some good books, played in the sun with Phoenix and ate WAY too many sweets -- my husband cared so well for me. When we were going to bed last night, he told me that I am a better mother than he could have imagined for his children.
It was perfect.
But tears were inevitable. I am ready to be a mom again. Ready for that freshly-knit smell, the weightless snuggles, the sleepy smiles. I'm ready for bigger piles of laundry, more diapers and sleepless nights. I'm even ready for that what-the-hell-am-I-doing feeling ... because I am learning how to mother out of the generous grace of God. I am ready, but the wait continues.
It was kind of God to meet with me in worship this morning - we sang a song that was oh-so-dear to me when I was pregnant with Phoenix. Two years ago, when I trembled at the motherhood task set before me, God used that song to dispel fear in my heart. He helped me then to trust his timing, and the song brought me right back to that place of raw dependence. I am so thankful that I can trust my heart to God while I wait.
I am making the choice to prefer our path ... not just to accept it, but to prefer it. The atmosphere of my heart is bittersweet, but it is building a beautiful, nuanced, deep, complex, courageous, gusty, earthy love for this child.
And it helps that I have the coolest kid on the planet to keep me busy in the mean time.
Seriously, how awesome is she?
Keep this momma's heart in your prayers ... I want just enough ache to keep me on my knees.
Hopefully next year I will get to hold both my babies!
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